Archive for August, 2005

The new plan.

I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So here’s one plan.

  • The US will apologize to the world for our “interference” in their affairs, past & present.  You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those ‘good ole boys’, we will never “interfere” again.
  • We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don’t want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
  • All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We’ll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They’re illegal!!! France will welcome them.
  • All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don’t like it there, change it yourself and don’t hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don’t need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
  • No foreign “students” over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don’t attend classes, they get a “D” and it’s back home baby.
  • The USwill make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
  • Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don’t like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
  • If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not “interfere.” They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them are stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
  • Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don’t need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
  • All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us “Ugly Americans” any longer.
  • The Language we speak is ENGLISH…learn it…or LEAVE…Now!
  • The Statue of Liberty is no longer “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.” She’s got a baseball bat and she’s yelling, “You want a piece of me?”
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    50 ways to tell you’re a NASCAR fan.

    If you’re sitting behind someone at a red light, and when it changes, you yell, “GREEN! GREEN! GREEN! GO! GO! GO!

    If you were Rusty Wallace you would have just gone when the light turned yellow!

    You know you’re a Jeff Gordon fan if you go on green and cop pulls you over for going too soon on the green.

    Time yourself on your wrist watch when you pull into the self serve gas n go.

    On an highway or freeway or whatever entrance ramp you drive it like the esses at Sears Point.

    If you say “But officer, I wasn’t tailgating, I was drafting”

    When you have an accident, the first thing you try to do is pull off the steering wheel.

    The second thing you do is blame Robby Gordon.

    Your name your first born Dale, Kyle, Jeff, Mark, Richard, Ward, Rusty, Ernie, Sterling, etc.

    You paint a large 24 on the side of your car….

    Watch tapes of old races on rain delay days

    Plan family vacations around a race date

    You go through Nascar withdrawal when there is no race on the weekend..

    Have a poster of Benny Parsons above your bed

    When you pass someone on the highway you refer to it as taking them on the inside.

    Counting the cars to work as positions gained and when they pass you positions lost.

    You associate numbers with drivers names when do your banking.

    If you sign up for flu shots (at work) on Friday so you can fake sick in order to get home in time to see qualifying.

    How about riding behind the same two dumdums riding side by side for SOOOOoooo long, that you decide to make it three wide down the front stretch, and pass them in the emergency lane (after looking, of course)

    When your buddy is passing someone on the interstate, you’re in the passenger seat yelling,”CAR HIGH !!!…..CLEAR!!

    You teach your child to count like this… 1, Gordon, Wallace, Earnhardt, Hamilton, Terry Labonte, Martin, etc.

    and then it confuses him because of the driver changes every year

    Only the driver’s side of your windshield gets cleaned.

    You can get 12 cans of pop. 4 quarts of Gatorade, and 8 sandwiches into a 14″ cooler and NOT squash anything.

    You think nothing of getting up at 4am, driving for 5 hours, sitting in a traffic backup for 3 hours, baking in the sun, spending 5 hours to get out of the parking lot, driving 5 hours home, getting up the next morning at 5 am, going to work on 3 hours sleep, and telling everybody what a GREAT time you had.

    You line your diecasts up in the same order as the starting grid each week.

    You rearrange your diecasts to match the grid during cautions

    You have a mini winners circle for your diecasts

    You get caught stealing the lifesize cut out of your favorite driver from Foodlion.

    When you drive up close behind somebody in hopes you can “get him loose” in order to be able to pass him.

    Your mechanic has to remind you to stop referring to him as “your crew chief”

    If every time you hop out at the gas station, you yell to your spouse to time you.

    If your spouse has to keep telling you it’s “your driveway, not victory lane”.

    You blow a flat on the highway and get mad because it took you more than 19 seconds to change it.

    The big story at your parties is how you put Jeff Gordon into the wall at Talladega in your Nascar Racing 2 game.

    You hit the car in front of you, and tell the police officer “Rubbin’ is racin’!”

    You think the first car at a stoplight is “on the pole.”

    You have to eat macaroni and cheese for a month because you bought too much memorabilia at the track.

    At a stop light with two lanes each direction, you pull into the left lane because you ‘qualified faster’ than the guys on the right.

    You have planned out a route to work where you only have to turn left.

    When the spouse asks how your day was you start by saying, “Well, I had a real good car today…”

    You consider slower cars in the left lane as “lapped traffic”.

    When traffic slows or stacks up, you wave your right hand from side to side, signaling to your buddy that there is trouble ahead.

    Before traffic begins to resume regular speed again, you find yourself weaving side to side warming up the tires to optimum tempature.

    When a car comes flying up from behind, you speed up trying to stay “on the lead lap”. If he passes you, you try to pass him back to “get your lap back”.

    Let your buddy pass you at least once so he can get 5 bonus points.

    Make sure you pass him back in time for the halfway money.

    When renting a car, you ask for a black Monte Carlo.

    You know you’re a Dale Earnhardt Jr. Fan if you have an accident and you tell the cop it was someone elses fault.

    If you can’t balance your checkbook, but CAN explain the point system

    Your children know more NASCAR drivers than historical figures.

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    A to Z firearm refresher course

    a. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
    b. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
    c. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
    d. Gun control is not about guns; it’s about control.
    e. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
    f. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
    g. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
    h. If you don’t know your rights you don’t have any.
    i. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
    j. The United States Constitution © 1791 by “We, The People”. All Rights Reserved.
    k. What part of “shall not be infringed” do you not understand?
    l. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
    m. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
    n. Guns only have two enemies: Rust and Politicians.
    o. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
    p. You don’t shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
    q. 911 – government sponsored Dial a Prayer.
    r. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
    s. Criminals love gun control – it makes their jobs safer.
    t. If Guns cause Crime, then Matches cause Arson.
    u. Only a government that is afraid of it’s citizens tries to control them.
    v. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
    w. Enforce the “gun control laws” we have, don’t make more.
    x. When you remove the people’s right to bear arms, you create slaves.
    y. The American Revolution would never have happened with Gun Control.
    z. “…a government by the people, for the people…”

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